Sunday, January 8, 2017

21 Days

Starting my 21 day fasting,,Today was just something else,,I had many signs from God today and it just shook my body and soul,
The other day I was talking about the book of Revelations and my womans Sunday school she brought it up,,how great it was to talk to someone about that.I learn more and more but what really got me and This gives me chills..
Kinda long,,you know you love my stories,,
About few yrs ago in the same church I go now I had it out with the Pastors wife over a big misunderstanding and I had no voice,,for I never got to tell me side,,so I fleed the Church and told myself never again would I step into this church with a Pastors wife like she was...anyway I left the church but I never stopped going to Church I found other churches close by COG.As I pulled into this little back road with a little white church setting way back I pulled in and said Let's do this so as I walked in I was Greeted by the Pastor Gorden and his wife and family and others they open their door to me,,Well I well known Family Gospel singers and I sat in the back pew and this young lady got up and her family and they went on to sing,,well the girl sang this Song that just hit me hit me hard it was so real for me noone even knew,,,As she sang I cryed I bawled my eyes out Oh Lord how I have forsaken you but you have never ever gave up on me,,,As I was leaving that night I told the girl I said Hunny you wrote that song for me,,I am telling you this is my song so she gave me a CD and I played it over and over and over til 1 day it was gone...I am not going to sugar coat this anymore,,,it has been a really bad yr for me since March,,no things are not better I am trying everyday to not give in to this mind dysfunction driving me crazy ,and just to tired sometimes to fight,,now back to the song,,I lost the CD I do listen to it on on the way to church we were talking God and I and I said Lord you know right now how this crazy mind is I need comfort I need a sign I am not alone and guess what came on the radio
? You got it!!!! My song Praise him when we need him Praise him when we don't Thank you God for all the signs today Thank you Lord for Brother Wells today he is our retired Senior Pastor very Godly man I thank him today for taking me in during my need Thank you for the prayers,,Life is tough but I am about to get tougher,,,anyone want to know about the Fasting let me know,,
God Bless
Downs Family

Saturday, January 7, 2017

In the writing mood.I have alot to talk about alot of things going on in my mental mind of Omg I forgot to do this today or that today,,Thank God for notebooks and Stapled paper with important dates and numbers on each sheet.I am so tired of doctor after doctor and I sit in pain but they say it is one thing it will be ok live with it but the other part of me just feels so sick.I think the coughing up my hot lung is what hurts the most.Gotta go to talk to some sleep doctor and then another appointment with Digestive health.
Some days it takes all I can to get out of my bathroom and try to make it a day when I am not sitting in there for half a day.It is awful.And at work yeah right..they say I can live with it my job on the other hand I think is fed up with the fact I spend most days behind the locked door of a stall in otter pain.
I have tried for almost a whole year to stay strong,get up like normal people  grab some coffee head to the bathroom to get ready for a full day of work with all these feelings and hurting,,mental and physical.I found this great saying today that nailed it for me...

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Back into the Game

As one would say I am back on my wagon.
I feel the need to write warning I  am a reader not a writer so if I forget a period or two don't freak out.I have read lots of post and they say ,well she didn't write like she is suppose to so I didn't read it.Please don't be like that to me,,once I get to writing I forget my periods because I am on a roll.I could go back and fix it,we will see.
I am not a stranger to Blogs in fact I love them,I actually follow a few because we have some things in common,
As we get closer to Christmas the more I want to crawl up and not get out of bed.Bring me my presents and some food,I will binge watch  Christmas cartoons all day. Now wouldn't that be a kick back day lol.
My son's 25th birthday is around the corner actually the 23rd,,boy do I miss him,,I wish I could put my arms around him hug him tight and whisper in his ear Happy Birthday Son!!! We both made it to your 25th birthday,,but I can't,,I can't touch him,I can't get him a cake or give him his gifts,,25 Son,,25,
My how the years have flown by.This year went way to fast but way to slow,,like life sometimes comes back to me in slow motions,
I put my self into church,,how I take care of my over loaded feelings,,I found myself talking out loud to God,,I try to be active but with my job that is very hard to do and I have already missed out,Grandbabies love it,,I try to take them every Wed night,,Sundays are hard cause of my hours but we try.
I sit in the back pew.Trying not to be notice as I sit with tears in my eyes praying to be heard.My heart hurts,and if I pray and cry it helps it a little,,I am not really active in the church so I sit unnoticed by a few of them,,long story there,,I was literally kicked out of that church once over something so petty,,I never got a word in to explain what I did know,,but the pastors wife never gave me a chance and now I sit back in the church with a new young Pastor and his wife,,who I might add has yet to say a word to me in the last few months she obviously had heard what other's think they knew what had happen instead of asking me or judging me,
Anyway either way I still go as often as I can it is not for them but for me,,I have to keep sane so I choose Church as my Rock,